Clearing an Issue Between Two Men
The New Warriors' Clearing Process

When two men* just can't see eye to eye and the heat between them becomes an issue, we sometimes use a technique we learned from the New Warriors**. The process separates the facts and the judgments and allows the men to see past their emotions and the right-wrong of their positions.

Once ego is in perspective, each man can let go of "that guy is an ass," see how the other man came to his position, and perhaps come to love and respect the other man, even while disagreeing. One New Warrior document suggests that an imperative ingredient is "getting one's needs met ... the need to be heard, understood, respected, and validated."

The Process

Explain the process to the two men and ask them to agree to it.

The two men face each other. A coach stands behind each man. The coach's job is not to take sides, but to keep his man on his purpose, open and clean. A fifth man, chosen to be the facilitator, runs the process.

1. Facts First

If one man is deemed to have more heat toward the other, he goes first but if not, the order does not matter.

The first man starts by stating the facts as they would be observable by anyone who was at the scene, free from judgments. The second man just listens. The first man's coach assists by pointing out any judgments and helping the man restate them in a purely factual way.

The second man mirrors back what he heard. He confirms, refutes, or reports differences in his recollection of the facts.

The first man confirms the accuracy of the retelling and disputes any differences.

It is not necessary that the men agree completely on what happened. They should seek to hear the other man's understanding of the facts.

2. Judgments and Feelings

Having stated their versions of the facts, the men move on to judgments and feelings.

The first man begins while the second man listens. The second man mirrors what he heard and the first man clarifies any differences.

The second man gives his judgments and feelings and the first man mirrors.

When the men express their judgments, they can be asked to respond to the following question: "When in your life did someone apply these judgments to you, or when do you so judge others?"  This is often a clue to why these judgments carry such a high charge. There is nothing inherently wrong with judgments; but there is value in seeing how they drive us.

3. Resolution

By this time, the root cause of the issue should be pretty apparent, and the men can offer understanding. The men have the opportunity to "look in the mirror" and see how the other man is a reflection. The men can request a future action (which the other can agree to or not, or agree to consider it and get back to him).

* Of course, it doesn't have to be two men. We expect this would work as well with two women or a man and a woman, maybe even with children.

** Please note that this is not the only way to do this process and we may or may not be accurately portraying an official representation of the New Warriors' method. We are not affiilated with the New Warriors and we're not intending to represent their views here.