The Man’s Guide to Color

Moe Rubenzahl, Team Phoenix

There was a time when color was strictly the woman's province. My Dad picked the car, the engine, the tires, and the power accessories but the colors were for Mom to choose. I remember our first new car. Dad brought home a huge book of GM paint chips and upholstery swatches and placed it in front of Mom , like some mysterious puzzle. Mom would agonize over whether Champagne Mist or Platinum Mist would best carry our family into the 70s.

These days, men participate in the color decisions. But not always with confidence and skill.

Watch the guy in the body shop match paint, blending it wet, eyeballing the mix and knowing it will dry to a precise match to the slightly faded color on the neighboring panel. Then watch him meet his wife in the furniture store and tremble when faced with a choice between periwinkle and cornflower.

Men like things simple. For instance, there are three blues: Dark blue, light blue, and turquoise. A really sensitive guy knows about navy (that's dark blue, for the rest of you.) Eight Crayolas are enough for most men. The only reason a man needs the 64 Crayola set is because he wants the built-in sharpener.

Men, there will come a time, no matter how skillful you are at ducking into the garage, when you will be expected to help pick a color. Maybe it will be the new living room paint; maybe some shoes; maybe even something as fraught with danger as new drapes.

"No-o-o-o!" you say! "Let me hunt the saber-tooth! Let me rebuild a carb! But don't make me pick drapes!"

Relax, compadré. It's not as tricky as you fear. All you need is this, the Handy-Dandy Guide to Fluffy Colors. We'll translate all those strange and exotic color names into terms you can understand. When she asks if you prefer the mauve or the peach, you can sneak a quick peek at the Guide and confidently point to the right patch as you triumphantly say, "This one, the mauve, is just the shade to pick up the magenta flecks in the new lamp. And I like its silvery quality!"

Okay, I lied. You'll never talk like that, even if you memorize this stupid guide. Colors go in and out of style and new names appear all the time. Color mastery is beyond us unless we read the fashion magazines and pay attention to color trends. And if we do that, how will we have time for important things, like teaching our sons to spit?

Maybe you'll never be a color wizard, but with this guide, you will sometimes know what she's talking about and every so often, you may even have a good suggestion. In any event, you're sure to surprise women by using these terms – because their expectations are low.